Red Thread

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but will never break." ~ Ancient Chinese Beli

Thursday, March 20, 2014

An Emotional Visit to Hong Kong

Every year for the past 3 years, Elle has the same wish for her birthday.  She wants to go back to HK to visit her best friend.  Being an expat kid comes with lots of highs but one of the lows is leaving and saying good bye to good friends.  In saying that, we do what we need to do to keep friendships alive.  Thankfully it is a relatively short plane ride between HK and Singapore....and we have lots of frequent flyer miles that are always looking to be spent.

This year Lulu joined the bandwagon and she said that she also wanted to go.  She only lived in HK with us for 6 months so she does not have much of a memory and has been curious about what all the fuss is about.  Remember, her big sister (and idol) raves about how great HK is and how much she misses it.

So without a lot of thought we made the decision to go.  I would fly with the girls and P would meet us there as he would be working in PH the previous week.  Elle was over the moon with the anticipation of not only seeing her very best gf but another good friend who had moved away from HK a number of years ago but had recently moved back.  We also decided that we would take the girls out of school one day so we could hit Disney during the week rather than combat the crowds on the weekend.  This was going to be a surprise but did not turn out to be so exciting.

The flight was smooth.  This was a joy because Lulu is typically a bit anxious on airplanes.  I actually got to watch an entire movie (highly recommend Philomenia....beautiful!). Thankfully travel is getting a bit easier for Lulu and she now understands the concept of a holiday.  She accepts that an airplane ride is just a means of transportation rather than a journey to a new beginning, as it was the first time she stepped foot on a plane.

The moment we walked off the plane Lulu began to voice concerns about whether we would be able to find "Papi".  There was nothing that Elle or I could say that could calm her.  She was worried beyond belief and this worry quickly turned into resentment towards her father.  Even once we found P it did not help because she had already switched mode.  We took a taxi out to Disney and although Elle jumped with a bit of joy, Lulu could care less that Minnie and Mickey were at every turn.  "Why are we here and when can we go home?".

It is suffice to say that the weekend went from bad to worse as Lulu continued to become more anxious and eventually became undone.  She really struggled with the vast number of Chinese people that surrounded her at every turn.  There were many many Mainland Chinese tour groups at the park and this did not go well for Lulu.  We had lots of stares, people pointing at us and moving into our personal space.  I had a hard time with it so I can only imagine how it made Lulu feel.  We definitely blend in more in Singapore.  Lu became so uncomfortable that her anxiety turned to aggression and she wanted nothing to do with us.  She tried to run from us (which freaked Elle out bc she was so worried that her sister would get lost in the crowd) and cried, moaned and groaned.  Every so often a smile would appear but then it would quickly vanish.

It is suffice to say that the weekend did not go as planned.  We cancelled all the plans we had made with friends and even ended up leaving Disney early as it just was not fair to Lulu....nor to Elle.  Clearly we had underestimated what it would be like for Lulu to go back to Hong Kong.  The 6 months we lived there together as a family were difficult.  These 6 months were filled with grief as she mourned the loss of foster mama and what she left behind.  She was scarred and non-verbal at that time so she did not even have word to describe what she was feeling.  

We believe that being in Hong Kong triggered something for Lulu. There was something that she saw, heard or smelled that brought back a flood of memories....if even just the emotions that surrounded the memories.  She reverted back to a frightened, timid, angry and insecure child.  She questioned what we had done and why we did it in terms of her adoption.  She talked about foster mama and expressed anger about why she would let her go.

All we could do was follow Lulu's lead.  She did not want to be cuddled or soothed.  Everything went back to needing to be on her terms.  She wanted control and we had to give it to her.  As hard as the weekend was for us all, we do believe that it was a part of Lulu's healing that needed to happen.  There are things that she has started to process and other thoughts/emotions that she has not even tapped into yet.  It is all a part of her journey.  I am just thankful that we are her forever family and that we have the opportunity to be with her as she deals it all.

Coming back to Singapore brought Lulu much relief and some joy but she is still working out of her rut.  The spark in her eye is spotted occasionally but she is lost in thought a lot and wanting to be left alone.  We respect her need to process it on her own but also remind her that we are here for a cuddle and to chat when she needs it.  Thankfully her Life Book is complete and something that she can turn to when she chooses.  It does not answer any of the questions that she might have but it does paint a picture of what we know and shows that she did have a life before we became a family and that we recognize this important fact.  

I am thrilled to find some photos from the weekend with a bit of a smile on Lulu's times she really wanted to enjoy it all but then became quickly overwhelmed.

Remembering the good times.....

Breakfast with Mickey
It took a while but Tinker Bell finally got Lulu to join her.

No words needed :)
Have not seen each other in 4 years!
A visit from Yaya at our hotel.  It was an emotional morning but in the end Lulu came to understand that it is only because we moved to Singapore that we do not see Yaya daily anymore.  Elle coerced Lu to join the photo by letting her hug her American Girl worked!

So...we are still doing the dance....many steps forward and a few steps back.  We have been here before and I have not doubt in my mind that we will come out of this stronger as individuals and as a family.

xx p.

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